Selbstfürsorge – nicht egoistisch, sondern lebensnotwendig

by Achtsam sein

Es ist vielleicht an der Zeit, einmal zu reflektieren, ob wir mit diesem ständigen Tun, Rennen und Erledigen wirklich glücklich werden können. Ich habe eine sehr intensive Phase von mehreren Wochen (oder eher Monaten, wenn ich ehrlich bin) hinter mir, in der keine Pause möglich war. War das eine erledigt, stand sofort das nächste an. Alles lief sehr gut, ich lieferte ab, erfüllte Erwartungen, hatte Freude an meinem Tun und fühlte auch einen gewissen Stolz darüber, was ich alles geschafft hatte. Es waren wichtige Projekte, jedes einzelne, und jedes einzelne erforderte meine ganze Aufmerksamkeit und gründliche Prüfung. Wenn ich etwas anpacke, dann mache ich das richtig, und das soll man schließlich auch sehen.

 

Folgen einer vernachlässigten Selbstfürsorge

Was auf der Strecke blieb, das war ich, mein Sein, mein Wohlbefinden. Dies ging mehr oder weniger bewusst von statten. Ich gönnte mir keine Pausen, strich Bewegung und mittags abwechslungsreich kochen aus meinem Terminkalender, erteilte meinem Körper und seinen Schreien nach Aufmerksamkeit und besserer Sorgfalt ein striktes Redeverbot und schaffte es gerade noch bis zum (vorläufigen) Ende der heißen Phase, bevor ich mich für ein paar Tage zurückziehen konnte und fernab von allen und allem versuchte wiederaufzutanken – auf einer Fortbildung. Dennoch merkte ich rasch, wie die Stille des Hotelzimmers und die veränderte Umgebung ihre Decke der Beruhigung auf meinen geschundenen Körper und Geist ausbreiteten. Die Schmerzen wurden weniger, die Anspannung ließ Millimeter für Millimeter nach.

Gerade habe ich meinen ersten Kurs beendet, und dieser Kurs war eine große Herausforderung für mich, inhaltlich und emotional. Es machte großen Spaß und ich empfinde tiefe Dankbarkeit für alle Teilnehmer und für meine Lehrer und Kollegen. Letztere haben mir das Vertrauen geschenkt, das Abenteuer Achtsamkeitslehrerin weiter auszubauen, und ohne sie wäre ich jetzt nicht dort, wo ich bin. Doch muss ich mir eingestehen, daß das – meinem Empfinden nach – wichtigste Thema des Kurses auch mein aktuell größtes Thema ist: die Selbstfürsorge. Nicht nur meinen Kursteilnehmern fiel es schwer, sich zu erlauben, auch nach sich zu sehen und nicht nur nach den Kindern oder dem Partner oder einfach den anderen. Selbstfürsorge, einfach einmal nur sein, das tun, was mir gut tut, ohne etwas erreichen zu müssen, ohne ein Ergebnis vorzeigen zu müssen, lesen, spazieren gehen (warum nicht einmal barfuß und es wirklich spüren?), puzzlen, mit Ruhe und Genuß essen, meditieren, mich zurückziehen, etc. – warum fällt es mir so schwer? „Das fühlt sich egoistisch an.“ „Bestimmt denken die anderen, ich wäre total faul.“ „Dafür ist keine Zeit.“ „Das kann ich mir nicht erlauben, es ist so viel Wichtigeres zu erledigen.“

 

NEIN.

 

Es gibt nichts Wichtigeres als Selbstfürsorge.

Es gibt nichts Wichtigeres als Selbstfürsorge. Ja, ich kann mich nicht drei Stunden am Tag aus dem Alltag ausklinken und einfach die Seele baumeln lassen. Ja, ich kann meine Kinder nicht zwei Stunden vor den Fernseher setzen, nur weil ich eine kleine Auszeit brauche. Aber nein, ich muss jetzt nicht die Wäsche waschen, wenn mein Kleiner schläft, sondern ich kann ein Buch lesen und die Ruhe genießen. Und nein, ich muss nicht dreimal hintereinander den Lego-Turm aufbauen sondern kann auch sagen, dass ich gerne wieder dabei bin, wenn ich meinen Kaffee getrunken habe solange er noch warm ist. Selbstfürsorge bedeutet auch, genügend Schlaf zu bekommen und der körperlichen Erholung Priorität zukommen zu lassen. Selbstfürsorge schließt ein, dem Körper möglichst nährenden Kraftstoff zukommen zu lassen und nicht nach einem stressigen Tag automatisch nach der Tafel Schokolade zu greifen. Und es bedeutet auch, sich nicht selbst zu verurteilen, wenn die Schokolade doch leer ist am Ende des Tages oder wenn ein lautes Wort herausgerutscht ist. Selbstfürsorge meint, gut und liebevoll für sich zu sorgen, auch verbal. Selbstmitgefühl kann hier eine große Hilfe sein, wenn es gerade nicht so gut läuft.

Wenn es noch nicht deutlich genug geworden ist: Selbstfürsorge ist das einzige Mittel, um im Alltag anderen Menschen mit Freundlichkeit, Offenheit und Akzeptanz begegnen zu können. Wenn es uns nicht gut geht, dann sind wir nicht auf Empfang oder auf Geben eingestellt, sondern dann sind wir im Überlebensmodus. Und hier sind wir wirklich keinem ein angenehmer Zeitgenosse und können auch nicht eine geduldige Mutter, ein mitfühlender Vater oder ein liebender Partner sein, so sehr wir uns auch bemühen und edle Absichten haben. Zuerst müssen wir die eigene Sauerstoffmaske aufsetzen, wie es uns im Flugzeug gezeigt wird, nur dann können wir für andere da sein.

 

Es wird Zeit, einmal auszuprobieren, wie sich das Leben anfühlt, wenn mehr „Sein“ und weniger „Tun“ den Alltag bestimmen. Genau jetzt ist ein guter Moment, um anzufangen.

How can mindfulness help us in coping with change?

by Achtsam sein

Everything is changing, all the time. The weather changes – in Brussels often very quickly in only one day –, our moods change, we are gaining or losing weight, we try a new hobby, an illness destroys all vacation plans, there is a new colleague at work, we are growing older, a baby arrives in the family and changes every single aspect of life, we are being made redundant or get a new job, a relationship ends or begins or we are moving to another apartment, city or even country. Change is part of human life. Sometimes the changes are small and not directly visible; sometimes a huge shift in our life lies ahead of us and controls our thoughts and emotions.

Over four years ago I moved to Brussels with my husband and a little baby of six weeks. Everything was new: the apartment, living in a city (we came from the Luxembourgish Ardennes), the neighbours, the language(s), my husband´s job, and of course all our family life. I kept myself busy with exploring the area and the museums with a pushchair as best as I could, although I had to face a lot of challenges as I discovered that public buildings and transport were not extremely well equipped for a baby. I went for walks every day and tried to get to know the shops, the pharmacies, and all the new doctors we had to go to. It took me half a year to find my place in this completely new environment, half a year of feeling overwhelmed, often lonely and yet very stressed by everything going on after this huge change in every aspect of my life.

Change is inevitable. We have to accept this.

Change is inevitable; there is nothing to argue with that. All we can do is to handle it and keep on living our lives. It is how we perceive change that can make this experience an interesting or even liberating one or rather terrifying.

How can we become more resilient in our lives so that unexpected or seemingly uncontrollable change does not take us off track?

The most important step is to accept that change is part of our life. No matter how much we try to control people or events to stay the way we know – and therefore rest in our comfort zone – all will be over, new, gone, or different sooner or later. Accepting this fact can help a lot in letting go of the resistance we often feel when being confronted with something new or unexpected. Things may not turn out the way we planned or hoped for, but accepting this will help a lot in keeping our heads clear of too many worrying thoughts and give us some space for the actually dealing with the situation at hand.

Tools for experiencing change in daily life

  • Making the intention to stay positive: Feeling the emotions that arise, engaging in self-care and believing in ourselves and in our coping possibilities can help a lot in remaining positive.
  • Journaling may help us to stay in line with the bigger picture and our core values. We can put our thoughts and worries into words and bring some order to the perceived chaos and the unknown.
  • Being aware that change can trigger patterns of thoughts: “I could have done better.” “What will happen next?” Remembering that we are not our thoughts, even if they feel very real. We can ask ourselves: Is this thought really true? Or is it just a mind pattern, arising out of habit or our felt need of protection against uncertainty?
  • Being organized and open-minded. We can try to be prepared and to consciously plan ahead, for example when moving to another country with the whole family. Thorough planning may not free us from having to face a lot of stress and uncertainties, but it can help us to feel more secure and resilient and to approach sudden stressors with a clear and focused mind.
  • Coming back to our bodies time and again and feeling the sensations in the body, feeling the breath or the feet on the ground. Try to find an anchor (breath, sensations in the hands, sounds, etc.) that can help you to feel grounded when you need something to lean on.
  • Applying self-compassion to ourselves when we are feeling overwhelmed or insecure. Changes such as losing a job or breaking up a relationship can be frightening and very sad. We can acknowledge the fact that this is hard for us right now and that we can allow all feelings to arise.

Change is part of everyday life. The one thing that stays stable and solid, however, is our inert awareness that can create a space and observe everything that is going on: outer experiences and our emotions, thoughts and sensations in the body.

My family is approaching another big change. With now two children, a certain number of toys and a huge amount of experiences and memories we will change countries once more. We have already started planning and organizing and preparing the kids step by step, as for them it will be an even greater change of all they know of life so far.

But this time, it feels quite different. In the past years I have learned to be mindful. Being mindful of my thoughts, my emotions and my bodily sensations allows me to see everything as passing events, a coming and going of joyful anticipation, worry, stress and too much planning. I am much calmer now and try to take every step and every day as it comes, trusting that my family and I will be able to deal with whatever comes up. It still is a stressful experience, but by focusing on the positive, being grateful for what I have and not following every worrying story my mind is trying to sell me helps me in keeping the bigger picture in mind.

The Garden of the Mind

by Achtsam sein

The year is already up and running, and summertime is hopefully around the corner. The flowers are blooming again, green grass starts colouring the earth, and the sun will shine more often. The garden season starts. You might have a look at your garden and see its state, you pull the weeds, and you plant new flowers. It is a simple as that.
You see, taking care of the garden in your backyard is a bit like taking care of the mind. So why not have a look at your very own garden, the garden of your mind?

Rick Hanson, neuroscientist and psychologist with a huge interest in personal well-being and psychological growth, suggests the following:

1. Start by observing the garden.

Rest your eyes and your awareness on what is here in front of you, in the present moment. Be with the mind, which means the following: feel the feelings, experience the experiences, think the thoughts. Try to do this with acceptance, as you may not like what there is. However, simply be with it and don’t try to change or suppress it. Imagine yourself sitting in a movie theatre and watch what is going on on the screen, i.e. your life in this very moment. This is mindful awareness.

2. Now you can pull the weeds, i.e. reduce the negative.

Challenge wrong or harmful thoughts (they are after all just thoughts, not necessarily the truth), challenge fixed or selective perceptions, inhibit harmful actions. This can be done by slowing down, releasing tension (yoga, sports, a walk), deeply breathing and relaxing.

3. Finally plant the flowers, i.e. grow the positive.

Think what’s true and beneficial – yes, you did not manage to do all 10 things on your to-do-list, but you DID do the most important things – , feel grateful for what you have and act in ways that are beneficial to yourself and to others.

We could sum this up as: letting be, letting go, and letting in.

A good example would be to examine a relationship, such as with a child:

LET BE:

He does not listen to your order to stop playing with his toys to come to dinner. Recognize that you get angry, frustrated (emotions). The stomach tightens (sensations). You think: “Why can’t he not for once do as I say?!” (thoughts). Your triggers get pulled and you are about to act in anger. Try to be open and recognize what’s there.

LET GO:

Breath. Challenge thoughts that contain a “should”, “never”, “always”, “must” notion. They are signals of a mind trap. Because, if you are honest, does he really “never” listen to you? Is his intention really to defy you personally? Try to release negative thoughts. Commit to not acting or speaking out of anger, as it creates emotional distance. And the message you want to deliver will certainly not be heard or accepted.

LET IN:

Begin receiving true and beneficial thoughts. Maybe he simply did not hear you because he was too concentrated on the play? Look for positive alternatives to your automatic reaction. Remember the love and kindness that is the basis of your relationship. If he ignored you on purpose, then think of better ways to communicate, for example: “When you ignore me like this, then I feel really hurt and disrespected. Let’s have a talk about our way of being with each other when we are both calm again.”

Being with our mind is not easy and it needs practice to be able to do it. But with practice and with the openness to work with whatever is here, it is possible to create a beautiful and colourful garden of your mind and pull out the weeds whenever you see them.

Staying mindful as a parent during the Christmas period

by Achtsam sein

By Berenice Boxler

Another year is almost gone, and the festive days approach rapidly. Christmas time is around the corner, and with it comes the time of family gatherings and re-connections with relatives, both distant and near. The children are growing impatient and wait for the special feeling near the Christmas tree – or rather for the presents they expect to get.

Sometimes the holidays feel crazy: we spend most of the time buying presents, wrapping them up, preparing food and planning get-togethers. Then we get stressed out by the fact that our little ones don’t really appreciate all this effort. They grow impatient with how slowly the days seem to pass, whereas we feel that time is flying while we try to get everything done.

Feeling as if you were only giving?

Yes, at the end of a tough year, we may feel depleted. Still, we offer our lap when our back hurts. We let our children enter our thoughts even when our minds seem stuffed with grown-up concerns and plans. We offer restraint. We accept a no-nap day. We give the gift of self-control, of not yelling or overreacting, even when it feels like it would be a relief. We let our children “have” us when in fact we feel really empty. Very often it feels like we are giving more than we can. And there seems to be no “reward” or gratitude in return. But parenting is not an exchange, there is nothing to expect.
However, being a parent is not only about giving, let alone giving up our own self and needs.
Mindful Parenting has at its core a gift to yourself: the gift of self-care. We have to get enough sleep, enjoy healthy and nutritious food, try to exercise and give our mind and body little resting spaces throughout the day. And sometimes we have to give a kind NO as in: “No, sweetie, not now. I will play with you when I have finished my tea.” This NO to our kids is then a YES to yourself. We have to be mindful of our own well-being, because we simply cannot give on running empty.

Mindful Parenting

It is easy to feel overwhelmed in this period and to become distracted from the real gifts that are at the heart of parenting. Mindfulness gives us the choice to stop in our rush, to take a break, to breathe and to relax our body and mind. Then we can see that the holiday season is not about presents and fulfilling material wishes, not about the perfect Christmas dinner or the fear that our children might not behave when the in-laws are around.

Being a parent, holding this deep bonding to your little (or at least young) one/ones dear is about relationship and connection, about really listening and seeing the other’s perspective. Giving our children our full attention is the most wonderful gift we can grant them. We can offer a hug, a smile, a touch, comfort, a sandwich, a story read, a bed tucked in, a goodnight kiss, an open heart.
And we can also receive – we can take in the moments of pure joy in the children’s eyes, we can hear their stories of snow and Christmas, and we can feel the connection. In fact, our children give us very much indeed. They give us their mysterious little self and remind us daily that we should let go of too much planning and take every day, every moment as it is. They give us their love and trust and their joy of being in this world.

Tools for mindful parenting (or for any kind of social interaction):

Here are some mindfulness tools you could try in the coming days:

  • Make sure you are not running on empty.
    Allow yourself to take care of your body and mind. Get breaks and breathing spaces. Meditate. Have a bath. Have a mindful cup of tea and a cookie.
  • Be mindful of your tone of voice.
    Talk to your children with the same respect that you expect from them. Know that if you talk with anger in your voice, the message will not be heard.
  • Set limits before things get out of control.
    Remember that children will act like children. Their upper brain (emotion regulation, rational thinking) is not yet fully developed. They simply don’t have full power over their emotions and thoughts. (As if we did…)
  • Notice what triggers you.
    If you get triggered, model emotion regulation. Remember “STOP”: Stop – Take a Breath – Observe what is going on – Proceed in a skillful way.
  • Connect.
    Play, listen, put any technology away when you are interacting with your child, stay curious.