Foto_Spielfiguren

Acceptance

by Being Mindful

„It’s just like that, accept it at last!” Who has not heard that before, from parents or annoyed friends? This “advice” is given very quickly, but it is not easy to follow. It’s hard to accept that someone else’s carelessness has knocked down your favourite cup. It is hard to accept that no one of the old friends replies to the party invitation at the new place of residence and then you sit alone in a foreign country. It is very difficult to accept that a friend, a pet, a family member is suddenly gone or has fallen seriously ill.

Resistance

What prevents us from accepting something is an inner resistance. “How could she / he just do that?!” “Why does this happen to ME?!” We don’t want to acknowledge reality and therefore fight it. This resistance, which often manifests itself in a lack of understanding, annoyance, or blame, is actually just a protective mechanism. The real reason is  often the irrational hope that everything will turn out well in the end – if we just close our eyes and do not see the misfortune, maybe it’s not even there, right? Ignoring reality is supposed to protect us from profound emotions, from sadness, disappointment, loneliness. In order not to feel this pain, we unconsciously flee quickly into outward emotions: anger, blame, ranting. This way of dealing with reality is very tedious and can become a pattern that pulls us down and lets us fight everything all the time. We suffer from the reality of life, and yet we have to live in this world.

Acceptance

There is another way of dealing with situations or people who do not act the way we would like or expect: acceptance. Acceptance is at the heart of the mindful attitude. It demands that we actively turn to a situation and realize that it is exactly what it is right now. Acceptance does not require that we especially like what we see or experience. It only requires the willingness to accept reality. As long as we are unable to do so, we will constantly try to change things the way they suit us better. This distance between wishful thinking and reality creates suffering and stress. Actually, it’s not life that’s bothering us – misfortune or difficulties are just part of life – but our unwillingness to come to terms with reality as it is. Acceptance has nothing to do with resignation or being passive at all. It is a deeply active attitude to life that enables us to perceive reality and the way we handle it. It is a feeling of openness, of non-striving, of appreciation instead of rejection. It does not stop us from wanting to change a situation or to improve the world if that seems important or possible to us. But by training acceptance, we create a space in which we can make our own decisions in clear awareness of reality.

Acceptance in everyday life

By accepting, I can acknowledge that the cup is now broken, and then allow the sadness or disappointment of carelessness to be there. I can accept the reality that my friends – for whatever reason – are not ready or able to drive the slightly further way to visit me. I can allow the sadness, the pain, the disappointment to be there and feel them in the body. I can also accept that illness and death are part of life, and that it can also fall on me and my friends and neighbours. I can choose to feel the pain and the fear, letting them be there and leaving again, just as everything comes and goes.

 

The more we allow ourselves to accept reality, and thus all the feelings that are caused by events and people, the more can we learn – step by step, without going beyond our limits – that we can be sad, anxious and lonely, without the world breaking apart. We are allowed to cry, to mourn, to feel the knot in our hearts. We can allow the whole range of human emotions and experience them in the body. All this trusting that everything will pass again (and will come and then go again); trusting that we can be with everything. This gives rise to resilience, confidence and inner stability.

 

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining, is to let it rain.”

Henry Wadswort Longfellow

Accepting being triggered again and again – and learning from it

by Being Mindful

Every day, the children and I walk past a small tiled backyard. A large dog lives here, staying outside most of the day. There is not much to do for the animal, the space is very limited and all it can see are houses and the street. Every time we pass this backyard, the dog barks very loudly.

automatic flight reaction

I remember being scared to death the first few days because the noise came out of nowhere and activated the instinctive flight impulse. I cried out quietly, my heart was beating quickly, my breath was flat and fast, my body made a small jump to the side. Then a relieved and a little embarrassed laugh and the thought: “It’s only a dog behind bars. Nothing can happen.” Of course, the children were just as scared. The following seven times exactly the same thing happened, and especially when my thoughts were all over the place but not in the present moment, I just encountered the same reaction over and over again. The primitive part of the brain, the threat system, was activated without me having any control over it, triggering all those body reactions and thoughts of fight or flight.

Interestingly, however, I was increasingly able to observe the streams of thought. “Not again!” “Why can they not let the dog inside?”, “Poor animal, so little space for you!”, “Grrrr!”, and recently I said out loud to the dog: “You know me by now, now calm down!”

discovering a new perspective

This last statement caused a shift in my perception as I realized how futile it is to argue with a dog and its instincts. Also, it became clear to me that I simply cannot influence or change other beings (people and animals), situations or events in any way, no matter how much I would like to. The only thing that I have influence on is me: my response and my behaviour to whatever happens. At the same time, I realized that my thoughts, feelings and physical sensations still run on automatic, but with a bit of practice I could increasingly become aware of them – and then decide what to do.

Pema Chödrön calls this process “getting hooked” (shenpa), meaning being pulled into an automatic response by a trigger, closing the heart, and reacting with fight or flight. The solution is not to get rid of the trigger, this is not possible. It is about recognizing this reaction of being hooked, pausing, and then choosing a fresh alternative.

from the present situation to a conscious response

These daily situations of being hooked are in fact infinitely valuable in getting to know my own patterns of behaviour and finally breaking them. There are countless opportunities not to follow the first impulse and judge things or people. What I can practice on a small scale – and in meditation, for example – will be more readily available to me in difficult situations, and this will allow me to make a conscious decision on how to respond to the big and small obstacles in life.

Therefore, I am grateful for this daily practice where I can study and train myself how I am and how I respond to any given situation.

New beginnings – inherent challenges and chances

by Being Mindful

Recently my family and I have had several new beginnings in our life: a move to another country, to another house, to a completely different life. A new way of family life. First day of school in a new school and in a new language. More space here, less storage there. Clearing out, screwing together, stowing away, getting rid of. And there is always something new every day, be it a defective computer or a doctor’s appointment. We have been preparing for this time of change with all the paper work and emotionally – the latter especially together with the children.

 

It was a big change that had previously (and still does) cost us a lot of effort, especially because of the small people who needed our presence to understand and handle all the new things around them. We often told ourselves that it was a transitional situation and at some point everything would have found its own rhythm and the move would be finished.

But to be honest, can something ever be finished?

No, nothing is ever really finished. The mindful attitude to life sees everything as a new beginning. Everything is fresh, has never been there, and the invitation here is not to lose sight of the beginner’s mind. Staying open, staying curious, not having too many plans and expectations of how something should be. Each breath is a new beginning, every morning is completely fresh and unique.

 

“There is no difference between weekend and weekday, between normal days and holidays: there is only sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset. Treasure and enjoy. ”

This saying from the internet brings it to the point. There are no special situations, no transitional phases, no exceptions, after all goes as planned. The mindful way of life considers every day, every moment as something completely new, and only an open and curious heart is able to do justice to the fullness of life. Only with this unrestricted presence, of taking life and every moment as it is, only then is it really possible not to be overrun by the waves. Of course it can be helpful to plan projects such as a move as best you can. But it is important not to forget that things often turn out different than planned and that mindfulness can help immensely by accepting everything with a friendly and interested presence.

 

This inner confidence and knowledge of being at ease with everything that exists can be a solid rock in the turbulent waters of life, especially when facing big changes. I try to cultivate this attitude through regular meditation and mindfulness practice.

This is a lifelong task and there is no end to it. There is only sunrise and then sunset, and again sunrise, and in between an infinite number of moments, of life itself.

Holiday season – sun, fun and wonderful relaxation (or not quite?)

by Being Mindful

The summer holidays have begun. First, maybe a summer camp for the children, in between a few days of  holidays, then further planning

As a matter of fact, we are already far ahead, as most of us are at this time of the year. Quickly do this and that before the holidays begin. Just finish that list so that you can leave the office with a clear conscience and leave the tasks to colleagues or simply leave them behind.

The now, the present moment is just as good as the work you get done in it for the future. Because in the future, on holiday, you should be able to relax and not have to think about anything. The concept of “living in the moment” is indeed nice and good, but not exactly now, it does not really fit into the concept right now. I slave away now to have my well-earned rest later.

Does that sound familiar?

 

Routine = right?

This concept, which our internal driving force would like to convince us of, has prevailed for so long, since it is difficult to break this routine. But routine does not mean “right” or “good” for us at the same time. Just because we always do it, it does not have to be good for our wellbeing and our inner balance.

What we always do becomes routine, routine becomes a habit. If we are constantly rushing from A to B to get something done – something urgent is always there to be taken care of – then this rushing becomes a habit. We are talking about a break in the future, the holiday is around the corner. Then finally we will be able to relax and to rest.

Not even close.

If we are doing something repeatedly and do not allow us to take breaks, this mind setting becomes the standard. If the holiday has arrived – or the weekend, a free day, the evening after work – we continue to caught in the treadmill and wonder why we cannot relax on command. We simply forget that we take our exhausted body, our rotating thoughts, our oppressive needs and emotions with us, whether on the plane to Florida or on a hiking trail in the Dolomites. When organizing and doing has become the norm, it is also the norm in our holidays – our brain does not really care if we are on the beach or not. It is enough that a gust of wind whips up the sand, and now the sand-speckled ice cream of our son suddenly crunches between the teeth, and our reactive brain shifts to stress, complaints and upset. There is then no trace of relaxation or “taking it easy” anymore. And then maybe it’s raining too! Perhaps we don’t even reach the beach because we are stuck in the hotel bed with a migraine or a cold. The body finally got the urgently needed (physical) rest, which it did not get for so long and literally knocked us out.

Whatever happens, it is highly unlikely that we can switch into holiday mode right away. Our brain simply does not work like this. Our thoughts never go on vacation, our unconscious conditioning accompanies us everywhere and in any case we cannot influence other persons, any kind of event or the weather. We put ourselves under enormous pressure when we expect from us to relax on vacation. The disappointment and the frustration about unforeseen problems or our inability to simply “let go” will soon be there. And quickly the fear of the upcoming end of holiday creeps in. What can I do, I am still so exhausted! I need to refuel urgently, otherwise I really cannot go back to work!

 

Life is like driving a car

You could see life like a car ride in a car with gear shifting. If we are constantly driving in 6th gear, then we accustom ourselves to this driving style. The foot on the accelerator soon knows the exact angle that it must have in order to keep the speed on a constant level, perhaps the cruise control is also activated, one hand resting casually and rather uselessly on the gearstick. We are fast, we become more and more confident – it becomes a habit – but at this speed we can also be carried out of the bend in no time.

Now is holiday time, and we want to relax, rest, just come to a hold and enjoy the sunset. But how can we do this out of the 6th gear? We would have to switch back gear by gear, with patience, acceptance and respect for the circumstances. But until we can actually stop, the holiday is probably already over. Who has three weeks (or more) time to unwind? Besides, we are often not so good at being patient, so the car is sometimes badly maltreated to function.

The solution is obvious: our normal speed should be in the middle to stay flexible. Sometimes one  has to go faster, but then you can switch back again and slow down. If possible, you should also schedule regular breaks – if you cannot do it yourself: many cars remind the driver after 2 hours: “time for a break!”. Only then can we be sure that we have control over what is happening to us in this life, on this road. This is the only way we can drive on the road without problems and give us and the car a break, recharge the tank (= our batteries) and take stock. This is the only way to keep track of the way and see the bigger picture.

Going from 3rd gear to the parking position is possible with a few steps, and here the shifting up and down is easier and well-rehearsed. If we are constantly in 6th gear, we easily lose control of our direction. By the way, a decent conversation with our partner is also quite difficult when the airstream is blowing around our ears or when we are busy watching the traffic in our tunnel vision.

 

Shifting down

The ideal driving speed is different for everyone. But the way to parking, to standing still and having nowhere to go is always the same: away from the accelerator, slowing down. So, if you’re more of a speeder, then it can be helpful to keep braking and thinking about where you are right now, who is sitting next to you in the car and what is present right now. These small pauses, the shifting down, can help the body and the mind tremendously to stay on track and keep an inner balance. And then you can even relax on holiday.

How can mindfulness help us in coping with change?

by Being Mindful

Everything is changing, all the time. The weather changes – in Brussels often very quickly in only one day –, our moods change, we are gaining or losing weight, we try a new hobby, an illness destroys all vacation plans, there is a new colleague at work, we are growing older, a baby arrives in the family and changes every single aspect of life, we are being made redundant or get a new job, a relationship ends or begins or we are moving to another apartment, city or even country. Change is part of human life. Sometimes the changes are small and not directly visible; sometimes a huge shift in our life lies ahead of us and controls our thoughts and emotions.

Over four years ago I moved to Brussels with my husband and a little baby of six weeks. Everything was new: the apartment, living in a city (we came from the Luxembourgish Ardennes), the neighbours, the language(s), my husband´s job, and of course all our family life. I kept myself busy with exploring the area and the museums with a pushchair as best as I could, although I had to face a lot of challenges as I discovered that public buildings and transport were not extremely well equipped for a baby. I went for walks every day and tried to get to know the shops, the pharmacies, and all the new doctors we had to go to. It took me half a year to find my place in this completely new environment, half a year of feeling overwhelmed, often lonely and yet very stressed by everything going on after this huge change in every aspect of my life.

Change is inevitable. We have to accept this.

Change is inevitable; there is nothing to argue with that. All we can do is to handle it and keep on living our lives. It is how we perceive change that can make this experience an interesting or even liberating one or rather terrifying.

How can we become more resilient in our lives so that unexpected or seemingly uncontrollable change does not take us off track?

The most important step is to accept that change is part of our life. No matter how much we try to control people or events to stay the way we know – and therefore rest in our comfort zone – all will be over, new, gone, or different sooner or later. Accepting this fact can help a lot in letting go of the resistance we often feel when being confronted with something new or unexpected. Things may not turn out the way we planned or hoped for, but accepting this will help a lot in keeping our heads clear of too many worrying thoughts and give us some space for the actually dealing with the situation at hand.

Tools for experiencing change in daily life

  • Making the intention to stay positive: Feeling the emotions that arise, engaging in self-care and believing in ourselves and in our coping possibilities can help a lot in remaining positive.
  • Journaling may help us to stay in line with the bigger picture and our core values. We can put our thoughts and worries into words and bring some order to the perceived chaos and the unknown.
  • Being aware that change can trigger patterns of thoughts: “I could have done better.” “What will happen next?” Remembering that we are not our thoughts, even if they feel very real. We can ask ourselves: Is this thought really true? Or is it just a mind pattern, arising out of habit or our felt need of protection against uncertainty?
  • Being organized and open-minded. We can try to be prepared and to consciously plan ahead, for example when moving to another country with the whole family. Thorough planning may not free us from having to face a lot of stress and uncertainties, but it can help us to feel more secure and resilient and to approach sudden stressors with a clear and focused mind.
  • Coming back to our bodies time and again and feeling the sensations in the body, feeling the breath or the feet on the ground. Try to find an anchor (breath, sensations in the hands, sounds, etc.) that can help you to feel grounded when you need something to lean on.
  • Applying self-compassion to ourselves when we are feeling overwhelmed or insecure. Changes such as losing a job or breaking up a relationship can be frightening and very sad. We can acknowledge the fact that this is hard for us right now and that we can allow all feelings to arise.

Change is part of everyday life. The one thing that stays stable and solid, however, is our inert awareness that can create a space and observe everything that is going on: outer experiences and our emotions, thoughts and sensations in the body.

My family is approaching another big change. With now two children, a certain number of toys and a huge amount of experiences and memories we will change countries once more. We have already started planning and organizing and preparing the kids step by step, as for them it will be an even greater change of all they know of life so far.

But this time, it feels quite different. In the past years I have learned to be mindful. Being mindful of my thoughts, my emotions and my bodily sensations allows me to see everything as passing events, a coming and going of joyful anticipation, worry, stress and too much planning. I am much calmer now and try to take every step and every day as it comes, trusting that my family and I will be able to deal with whatever comes up. It still is a stressful experience, but by focusing on the positive, being grateful for what I have and not following every worrying story my mind is trying to sell me helps me in keeping the bigger picture in mind.