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Accepting being triggered again and again – and learning from it

by Being Mindful

Every day, the children and I walk past a small tiled backyard. A large dog lives here, staying outside most of the day. There is not much to do for the animal, the space is very limited and all it can see are houses and the street. Every time we pass this backyard, the dog barks very loudly.

automatic flight reaction

I remember being scared to death the first few days because the noise came out of nowhere and activated the instinctive flight impulse. I cried out quietly, my heart was beating quickly, my breath was flat and fast, my body made a small jump to the side. Then a relieved and a little embarrassed laugh and the thought: “It’s only a dog behind bars. Nothing can happen.” Of course, the children were just as scared. The following seven times exactly the same thing happened, and especially when my thoughts were all over the place but not in the present moment, I just encountered the same reaction over and over again. The primitive part of the brain, the threat system, was activated without me having any control over it, triggering all those body reactions and thoughts of fight or flight.

Interestingly, however, I was increasingly able to observe the streams of thought. “Not again!” “Why can they not let the dog inside?”, “Poor animal, so little space for you!”, “Grrrr!”, and recently I said out loud to the dog: “You know me by now, now calm down!”

discovering a new perspective

This last statement caused a shift in my perception as I realized how futile it is to argue with a dog and its instincts. Also, it became clear to me that I simply cannot influence or change other beings (people and animals), situations or events in any way, no matter how much I would like to. The only thing that I have influence on is me: my response and my behaviour to whatever happens. At the same time, I realized that my thoughts, feelings and physical sensations still run on automatic, but with a bit of practice I could increasingly become aware of them – and then decide what to do.

Pema Chödrön calls this process “getting hooked” (shenpa), meaning being pulled into an automatic response by a trigger, closing the heart, and reacting with fight or flight. The solution is not to get rid of the trigger, this is not possible. It is about recognizing this reaction of being hooked, pausing, and then choosing a fresh alternative.

from the present situation to a conscious response

These daily situations of being hooked are in fact infinitely valuable in getting to know my own patterns of behaviour and finally breaking them. There are countless opportunities not to follow the first impulse and judge things or people. What I can practice on a small scale – and in meditation, for example – will be more readily available to me in difficult situations, and this will allow me to make a conscious decision on how to respond to the big and small obstacles in life.

Therefore, I am grateful for this daily practice where I can study and train myself how I am and how I respond to any given situation.

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Holiday season – sun, fun and wonderful relaxation (or not quite?)

by Being Mindful

The summer holidays have begun. First, maybe a summer camp for the children, in between a few days of  holidays, then further planning

As a matter of fact, we are already far ahead, as most of us are at this time of the year. Quickly do this and that before the holidays begin. Just finish that list so that you can leave the office with a clear conscience and leave the tasks to colleagues or simply leave them behind.

The now, the present moment is just as good as the work you get done in it for the future. Because in the future, on holiday, you should be able to relax and not have to think about anything. The concept of “living in the moment” is indeed nice and good, but not exactly now, it does not really fit into the concept right now. I slave away now to have my well-earned rest later.

Does that sound familiar?

 

Routine = right?

This concept, which our internal driving force would like to convince us of, has prevailed for so long, since it is difficult to break this routine. But routine does not mean “right” or “good” for us at the same time. Just because we always do it, it does not have to be good for our wellbeing and our inner balance.

What we always do becomes routine, routine becomes a habit. If we are constantly rushing from A to B to get something done – something urgent is always there to be taken care of – then this rushing becomes a habit. We are talking about a break in the future, the holiday is around the corner. Then finally we will be able to relax and to rest.

Not even close.

If we are doing something repeatedly and do not allow us to take breaks, this mind setting becomes the standard. If the holiday has arrived – or the weekend, a free day, the evening after work – we continue to caught in the treadmill and wonder why we cannot relax on command. We simply forget that we take our exhausted body, our rotating thoughts, our oppressive needs and emotions with us, whether on the plane to Florida or on a hiking trail in the Dolomites. When organizing and doing has become the norm, it is also the norm in our holidays – our brain does not really care if we are on the beach or not. It is enough that a gust of wind whips up the sand, and now the sand-speckled ice cream of our son suddenly crunches between the teeth, and our reactive brain shifts to stress, complaints and upset. There is then no trace of relaxation or “taking it easy” anymore. And then maybe it’s raining too! Perhaps we don’t even reach the beach because we are stuck in the hotel bed with a migraine or a cold. The body finally got the urgently needed (physical) rest, which it did not get for so long and literally knocked us out.

Whatever happens, it is highly unlikely that we can switch into holiday mode right away. Our brain simply does not work like this. Our thoughts never go on vacation, our unconscious conditioning accompanies us everywhere and in any case we cannot influence other persons, any kind of event or the weather. We put ourselves under enormous pressure when we expect from us to relax on vacation. The disappointment and the frustration about unforeseen problems or our inability to simply “let go” will soon be there. And quickly the fear of the upcoming end of holiday creeps in. What can I do, I am still so exhausted! I need to refuel urgently, otherwise I really cannot go back to work!

 

Life is like driving a car

You could see life like a car ride in a car with gear shifting. If we are constantly driving in 6th gear, then we accustom ourselves to this driving style. The foot on the accelerator soon knows the exact angle that it must have in order to keep the speed on a constant level, perhaps the cruise control is also activated, one hand resting casually and rather uselessly on the gearstick. We are fast, we become more and more confident – it becomes a habit – but at this speed we can also be carried out of the bend in no time.

Now is holiday time, and we want to relax, rest, just come to a hold and enjoy the sunset. But how can we do this out of the 6th gear? We would have to switch back gear by gear, with patience, acceptance and respect for the circumstances. But until we can actually stop, the holiday is probably already over. Who has three weeks (or more) time to unwind? Besides, we are often not so good at being patient, so the car is sometimes badly maltreated to function.

The solution is obvious: our normal speed should be in the middle to stay flexible. Sometimes one  has to go faster, but then you can switch back again and slow down. If possible, you should also schedule regular breaks – if you cannot do it yourself: many cars remind the driver after 2 hours: “time for a break!”. Only then can we be sure that we have control over what is happening to us in this life, on this road. This is the only way we can drive on the road without problems and give us and the car a break, recharge the tank (= our batteries) and take stock. This is the only way to keep track of the way and see the bigger picture.

Going from 3rd gear to the parking position is possible with a few steps, and here the shifting up and down is easier and well-rehearsed. If we are constantly in 6th gear, we easily lose control of our direction. By the way, a decent conversation with our partner is also quite difficult when the airstream is blowing around our ears or when we are busy watching the traffic in our tunnel vision.

 

Shifting down

The ideal driving speed is different for everyone. But the way to parking, to standing still and having nowhere to go is always the same: away from the accelerator, slowing down. So, if you’re more of a speeder, then it can be helpful to keep braking and thinking about where you are right now, who is sitting next to you in the car and what is present right now. These small pauses, the shifting down, can help the body and the mind tremendously to stay on track and keep an inner balance. And then you can even relax on holiday.

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