Holiday season – sun, fun and wonderful relaxation (or not quite?)

by Being Mindful

The summer holidays have begun. First, maybe a summer camp for the children, in between a few days of  holidays, then further planning

As a matter of fact, we are already far ahead, as most of us are at this time of the year. Quickly do this and that before the holidays begin. Just finish that list so that you can leave the office with a clear conscience and leave the tasks to colleagues or simply leave them behind.

The now, the present moment is just as good as the work you get done in it for the future. Because in the future, on holiday, you should be able to relax and not have to think about anything. The concept of “living in the moment” is indeed nice and good, but not exactly now, it does not really fit into the concept right now. I slave away now to have my well-earned rest later.

Does that sound familiar?

 

Routine = right?

This concept, which our internal driving force would like to convince us of, has prevailed for so long, since it is difficult to break this routine. But routine does not mean “right” or “good” for us at the same time. Just because we always do it, it does not have to be good for our wellbeing and our inner balance.

What we always do becomes routine, routine becomes a habit. If we are constantly rushing from A to B to get something done – something urgent is always there to be taken care of – then this rushing becomes a habit. We are talking about a break in the future, the holiday is around the corner. Then finally we will be able to relax and to rest.

Not even close.

If we are doing something repeatedly and do not allow us to take breaks, this mind setting becomes the standard. If the holiday has arrived – or the weekend, a free day, the evening after work – we continue to caught in the treadmill and wonder why we cannot relax on command. We simply forget that we take our exhausted body, our rotating thoughts, our oppressive needs and emotions with us, whether on the plane to Florida or on a hiking trail in the Dolomites. When organizing and doing has become the norm, it is also the norm in our holidays – our brain does not really care if we are on the beach or not. It is enough that a gust of wind whips up the sand, and now the sand-speckled ice cream of our son suddenly crunches between the teeth, and our reactive brain shifts to stress, complaints and upset. There is then no trace of relaxation or “taking it easy” anymore. And then maybe it’s raining too! Perhaps we don’t even reach the beach because we are stuck in the hotel bed with a migraine or a cold. The body finally got the urgently needed (physical) rest, which it did not get for so long and literally knocked us out.

Whatever happens, it is highly unlikely that we can switch into holiday mode right away. Our brain simply does not work like this. Our thoughts never go on vacation, our unconscious conditioning accompanies us everywhere and in any case we cannot influence other persons, any kind of event or the weather. We put ourselves under enormous pressure when we expect from us to relax on vacation. The disappointment and the frustration about unforeseen problems or our inability to simply “let go” will soon be there. And quickly the fear of the upcoming end of holiday creeps in. What can I do, I am still so exhausted! I need to refuel urgently, otherwise I really cannot go back to work!

 

Life is like driving a car

You could see life like a car ride in a car with gear shifting. If we are constantly driving in 6th gear, then we accustom ourselves to this driving style. The foot on the accelerator soon knows the exact angle that it must have in order to keep the speed on a constant level, perhaps the cruise control is also activated, one hand resting casually and rather uselessly on the gearstick. We are fast, we become more and more confident – it becomes a habit – but at this speed we can also be carried out of the bend in no time.

Now is holiday time, and we want to relax, rest, just come to a hold and enjoy the sunset. But how can we do this out of the 6th gear? We would have to switch back gear by gear, with patience, acceptance and respect for the circumstances. But until we can actually stop, the holiday is probably already over. Who has three weeks (or more) time to unwind? Besides, we are often not so good at being patient, so the car is sometimes badly maltreated to function.

The solution is obvious: our normal speed should be in the middle to stay flexible. Sometimes one  has to go faster, but then you can switch back again and slow down. If possible, you should also schedule regular breaks – if you cannot do it yourself: many cars remind the driver after 2 hours: “time for a break!”. Only then can we be sure that we have control over what is happening to us in this life, on this road. This is the only way we can drive on the road without problems and give us and the car a break, recharge the tank (= our batteries) and take stock. This is the only way to keep track of the way and see the bigger picture.

Going from 3rd gear to the parking position is possible with a few steps, and here the shifting up and down is easier and well-rehearsed. If we are constantly in 6th gear, we easily lose control of our direction. By the way, a decent conversation with our partner is also quite difficult when the airstream is blowing around our ears or when we are busy watching the traffic in our tunnel vision.

 

Shifting down

The ideal driving speed is different for everyone. But the way to parking, to standing still and having nowhere to go is always the same: away from the accelerator, slowing down. So, if you’re more of a speeder, then it can be helpful to keep braking and thinking about where you are right now, who is sitting next to you in the car and what is present right now. These small pauses, the shifting down, can help the body and the mind tremendously to stay on track and keep an inner balance. And then you can even relax on holiday.

How can mindfulness help us in coping with change?

by Being Mindful

Everything is changing, all the time. The weather changes – in Brussels often very quickly in only one day –, our moods change, we are gaining or losing weight, we try a new hobby, an illness destroys all vacation plans, there is a new colleague at work, we are growing older, a baby arrives in the family and changes every single aspect of life, we are being made redundant or get a new job, a relationship ends or begins or we are moving to another apartment, city or even country. Change is part of human life. Sometimes the changes are small and not directly visible; sometimes a huge shift in our life lies ahead of us and controls our thoughts and emotions.

Over four years ago I moved to Brussels with my husband and a little baby of six weeks. Everything was new: the apartment, living in a city (we came from the Luxembourgish Ardennes), the neighbours, the language(s), my husband´s job, and of course all our family life. I kept myself busy with exploring the area and the museums with a pushchair as best as I could, although I had to face a lot of challenges as I discovered that public buildings and transport were not extremely well equipped for a baby. I went for walks every day and tried to get to know the shops, the pharmacies, and all the new doctors we had to go to. It took me half a year to find my place in this completely new environment, half a year of feeling overwhelmed, often lonely and yet very stressed by everything going on after this huge change in every aspect of my life.

Change is inevitable. We have to accept this.

Change is inevitable; there is nothing to argue with that. All we can do is to handle it and keep on living our lives. It is how we perceive change that can make this experience an interesting or even liberating one or rather terrifying.

How can we become more resilient in our lives so that unexpected or seemingly uncontrollable change does not take us off track?

The most important step is to accept that change is part of our life. No matter how much we try to control people or events to stay the way we know – and therefore rest in our comfort zone – all will be over, new, gone, or different sooner or later. Accepting this fact can help a lot in letting go of the resistance we often feel when being confronted with something new or unexpected. Things may not turn out the way we planned or hoped for, but accepting this will help a lot in keeping our heads clear of too many worrying thoughts and give us some space for the actually dealing with the situation at hand.

Tools for experiencing change in daily life

  • Making the intention to stay positive: Feeling the emotions that arise, engaging in self-care and believing in ourselves and in our coping possibilities can help a lot in remaining positive.
  • Journaling may help us to stay in line with the bigger picture and our core values. We can put our thoughts and worries into words and bring some order to the perceived chaos and the unknown.
  • Being aware that change can trigger patterns of thoughts: “I could have done better.” “What will happen next?” Remembering that we are not our thoughts, even if they feel very real. We can ask ourselves: Is this thought really true? Or is it just a mind pattern, arising out of habit or our felt need of protection against uncertainty?
  • Being organized and open-minded. We can try to be prepared and to consciously plan ahead, for example when moving to another country with the whole family. Thorough planning may not free us from having to face a lot of stress and uncertainties, but it can help us to feel more secure and resilient and to approach sudden stressors with a clear and focused mind.
  • Coming back to our bodies time and again and feeling the sensations in the body, feeling the breath or the feet on the ground. Try to find an anchor (breath, sensations in the hands, sounds, etc.) that can help you to feel grounded when you need something to lean on.
  • Applying self-compassion to ourselves when we are feeling overwhelmed or insecure. Changes such as losing a job or breaking up a relationship can be frightening and very sad. We can acknowledge the fact that this is hard for us right now and that we can allow all feelings to arise.

Change is part of everyday life. The one thing that stays stable and solid, however, is our inert awareness that can create a space and observe everything that is going on: outer experiences and our emotions, thoughts and sensations in the body.

My family is approaching another big change. With now two children, a certain number of toys and a huge amount of experiences and memories we will change countries once more. We have already started planning and organizing and preparing the kids step by step, as for them it will be an even greater change of all they know of life so far.

But this time, it feels quite different. In the past years I have learned to be mindful. Being mindful of my thoughts, my emotions and my bodily sensations allows me to see everything as passing events, a coming and going of joyful anticipation, worry, stress and too much planning. I am much calmer now and try to take every step and every day as it comes, trusting that my family and I will be able to deal with whatever comes up. It still is a stressful experience, but by focusing on the positive, being grateful for what I have and not following every worrying story my mind is trying to sell me helps me in keeping the bigger picture in mind.